It's 5am in the morning and I'm wide awake in the kitchen, sitting with my legs curled up sideways with a tea by my side, the heater switched on and my laptop on my lap, trying to take stock of my life. Or in other words, nitpick.

I woke up in the middle of the night, more than an hour ago and lay tossing and turning in bed. I've hardly ever done this for a while. This waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.

I realise I haven't been writing much of late and it bothers me because I loved writing but of late, there just hasn't been any drive, or maybe just that my life has gotten a little dull and uninteresting.

Someone once said to me a relationship kills individuality. I think it applies to myself because of who I am but I do not think it applies to everyone. Marty for one, still retains heaps of his own individuality. He is absolutely undaunting in his warcrafting and reading habits.

He can be such a book slut. He carries around a little black satchel which I call his library. More often than not, there happens to be at least one IT magazine, 2 novels, his psp and an assortment of games.

I on the other hand am unable to stomach any book which doesn't tickle my fancy and a quarterly essay on the similarities of the English and Australians is definitely one of those types.

I digress.

Anyway, Marty is his own individual. I think. He's been a geek his whole life and never aspired to be anything else. If 20 odd years of peer pressure couldn't change him, how could a 3 month~ish relationship? Not that I want to change him. I love his geekishness most of the time. Although it will get quite disturbing when he starts to want to spend more time on warcrafting and reading than with me. Anyway, I'm just pointing out how he's not the sort that would lose his individuality just because of a relationship.

Back to myself.

A relationship cramps my style I think. Simply because my style is supported by a single's lifestyle. Before M came along, I decided that this year was going to be a swinging single's year for me. Where I would busy myself setting my life in order and dating several people. How happy and full of life I was then.

I'm quite a passionate person but in order to have passion in my life, I need the recklessness that comes along with passion. The free rein to live life teetering on the edge. Not cautiously creeping along, putting someone else's feelings over and above my own. It's natural for me to consider the feelings of my other half but doing the "right" thing is perhaps not second nature for myself.

I want to acheive some sort of balance. Having a relationship but being my own individual. For now, the relationship seems to have won. Who I am, what I want has become a blur. I feel restless and confused. In a state of disequilibrium. A recipe for disaster I think. Afterall objects can't be in a state of disequilibrium indefinitely.