Movie night tonight. When movies are almost half-priced but still $8.50 per ticket. And popcorn? 11 bucks. How expensive can it get to see a movie here anyway? 30 bucks if you're 2 halves of a whole.

But seeing as how there isn't much else to look forward to on weekdays -the other day being Thursday, late night shopping day when shops close at nine *rolls eyes* - that's what we have been indulging in when decent movies come up.

X-men was a riot in that there were bits in the movie that were probably meant in all seriousness but were a tad OTT for me that really cracked me up.

If you don't want me to spoil the surprise than please do not read on.

There was just a bit too much gayish undertones in the movie for me to bear. Angel was definitely one hell of a pansy and my skin crawled a little when the source of the cure/ little boy stared out of the window at Angel flying free in the skies with moony eyes.

And then when Angel flew in and saved his dad, the look of "love", "compassion" and "forgiveness" in his eyes for his father. Ugh... Way too sappy. Overacting overacting overacting. I would have much preferred a look of erm... nobility and grace perhaps? *shrug* Admittedly, everyone's a critic but this character really made me cringe.

And also not forgetting the goth drag mutant bad guy (or is it girl? or shim?) who had the power to make force fields. What's up with the holey singlet and the bra underneath. Martin reckoned maybe he was really a she so what gives with the manly voice? And what about the clapping motion before he/she summoned the force field?

GAY GAY GAY.

I'm not homophobic but I just don't understand how the gay theme helped the movie.

Oh and what about the way Magneto tore out the bridge in order to transport his cronies to Alcatraz. Err... why didn't he dress them up in ice skates and fly them over instead. Or better yet, get Jean Grey do to it. I mean, she is a class 5 mutant capable of vaporising anything. Surely that would be a piece of cake for her.

But the most puzzling was the ending where Wolverine goes "I love you" and kills Jean Grey, once again proving that men are idiots. Like Hello!! Why did you go do something dumb like that? If a cure for mutants is available and he loved her, just inject her with the cure. Sheesh.

Despite the hilarity of some bits of the movie, it was still a rather gripping action movie. And i do have a penchant for movies about people with superpowers. I liked Sky High so go figure. =)

Had a dinner party at me place last night. Chicken curry, sambal belachan spinach (they were out of kang kong), mapo egg tofu, and sweet potato soup.

It was a good dinner. Ee lin, beatrice, david, jane, amanda, karl, marty and me. And even though I was feeling quite listless and dazed yesterday (God know's what was wrong with me), I perked up in the kitchen and whipped up all the dishes in 5 hours, including the time it took me to drive out, buy grocceries, drive back home, clean up a bit of mess and shower, which is a mean feat if you ask me.

In a bid to be more authentic, I resisted the urge last night to chuck in everything I could find in the fridge. My curries here are usually a mish mash of stuff like mushrooms, pumpkin, broccoli, sweet potato, chicken and even capsicums but I really wanted to have a dinner which reminded the Singaporeans/Malaysians of home. So i only had chicken and potatoes. Mom would have been proud I think.

Now, the next homey dish I'm gonna whip up will be beef rendang.

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In case anyone was wondering why I haven't been writing of late and if i'm still alive, which obviously and maybe unfortunately to some, Yes I Am, I've just been a little uninspired and also working a little harder.

One thing I've noticed about work and me is that my work and my creative side are negatively correlated. When I focus more on work, writing and reading gets more frustrating. So lately, I've been kinda standing at the mini crossroads of my life.

Being an auditor here is not a bed of roses as some would have you believe. Yes. It's true that I get off work on time mostly. Yes it's true that I "work" from home on the rare occasions when I'm not needed in the office.

But in order to be good at what you do, not only do you have to keep abreast with changes in the accounting and auditing standards, you also have to be widely read about the industry that you specialise in. And that for me, ladies and gentlemen, would be the (drumroll)... Insurance industry. All the journals about the industry changes, market outlook, etc... as also being contantly updated about the client that you audit by reading journals in factiva, market announcements etc... Phew!

And then for insurance, the industry is impacted by the other industries, catastrophes, interest rates, economy (does it ever end?), you also have to know what's going on in every where else.

That makes me wonder. Is this what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? Face buried in a copy of the financial times? Poring over analysts' reports, walking the walk and talking the talk?

And if I stop being an accountant, then there goes my chance to live and work all round the world. I'd be extradited out of here immediately, maybe even with a cannon. =(

It's frustrating because I don't know what I should do.

And that makes me entertain thoughts of winning millions in the lottery.

So I was on lavalife the other day because the boyfriend and I were having a disagreement and breaking up seemed to be on the cards. And I kinda wanted to put myself out there in the dating game again as quickly as possible. Afterall, time and tide waits for no man and it makes the breaking up period much easier to handle.

So lavalife has this chat thingy on the browser so you can chat with anyone online if you wish to. So this guy says hi to me and I say hi back. He asks me what I'm doing online, I take a peek at his profile and reply, I'm chatting with my ex. =) by the way, he's 45.

And he goes... oh... what a pity for me...

So i go... why's that

and he goes... because if you get back together with your ex boyfriend then I won't stand a chance...

Ugh... i hate it when they do shit like that... Why does he think he would have stood a chance otherwise?!

So I go... I just looked at your profile. Unfortunately, I think the age difference is too great.

And he goes... it's not the age that matters. it's the inner beauty of the person...

me... would you go out with a woman who's 70? (my mind conjures up a picture of a shrivelled old lady)

and he goes... of course

me... right!

He... too narrow-minded...

First of all, narrow-minded? I wonder if people will call me narrow-minded just because I do not partake in beastiality. So call me narrow-minded if you will but I just don't feel comfortable dating a senior citizen. At least not when I'm not a senior citizen myself. Why accelerate life? Why wouldn't I want to enjoy the hard taut muscular body of a young male if I can and when I can?

Secondly, and I may be cynical for thinking so BUT who he is trying to kid anyway... inner beauty of the person? This is a dating website for god's sake where people put pictures of themselves (if they don't look like clowns although some still do anyway) and talk themselves up. So don't get all self-righteousy on me for being superficial.

There should be a law against these paedophiles!!

Thirdly, why are there so many weird people online? Maybe I'm weird too... I don't know... I hope not... :(

But just, more often than not, you get pyschopaths, despos etc... it's hard to find some stranger online that you can just chat with about random stuff...

On jolene's recommendation, I set up an account at http://sg.wholivesnearyou.com

Apparently this is the latest and greatest website for one nighters...

Not that it'd be of any use to me but I'm still Singaporean so i signed up an account to see what the hype was all about.

So I got a couple of messages from people and realised that I had to verify my account with a $2 sms from a singapore phone before I could reply people... what a downer!! and there I was all excited about chatting with fellow Singaporeans... oh well... lucky for people back home unlucky for Me...

Memento mori

Remember last friday night, I raided the neighbourhood library and brought back a book which much later on, I felt I must have been confused to have wanted to borrow it? A book about a man and his dying wife?

Well. I ended up reading it today.

A sad sad book.

how much of us there was by Michael Kimball

the book was about a man who's wife has a seizure in the middle of the night, after which, she slowly deteriorates and dies. But even though the story line seemed cliche and predictable, the matter-of-fact delivery, the honesty behind the words struck a chord in me.

Seizure in the middle of the night, and wife going into a coma

"I parked our car next to the emergency room entrance and left the engine on. I thought that that might somehow help to keep my wife alive. The ambulance that had had my wife inside it was parked there too, but there weren't any people inside it anymore. But the hood of the ambulance was still warm and i t made me think that my wife was still alive"

"Her eyes were closed and another part of her face was covered up with an oxygen marks. She didn't look like my wife like that, but I had never seen my wife dying before that night and I didn't know what it was going to look like."

"The machines and wires made her look so tired. I was tired too. I wanted to get into the hospital bed with my wife and go back to sleep with her. I wanted to sleep her sleep with her."

Bringing her home after she got better...

"I started the engine of our car up, but I was afraid to drive us away from the hospital. I was afraid that she might stop breathing again and that we would need other people to help us to keep her alive again. But I was afraid to turn the engine off too. Our car had kept her alive before"

"I would have carried her inside if I could have lifeted her up. But I was too old too , and too tired, and we just wanted to go back to bed and back to sleep together so that we could wake up again and it would be morning at home again. But neither of us could sleep much. We were both too afaid that one of us might not wake up.

"But we also knew that she was going to die sometime..."

"we knew that it didn't matter what or how much we ate. We knew that we couldn't be alive and together for very much longer"

"We wanted it to be daytime all of the time. We didn't need much sleep anymore anyway. I wanted to be awake for tht rest of the time that she was going to be alive.... We cooked and ate and sat and talked and waited and moved and walked and we did it all slowed down. There wasn't anything else that we wanted to do but be awake and alive with each other."

When she started deteriorating

"So we began to practice for how and when she might finish living and dying."

"We considered slitting her wrists, but we thought that that would have hurt her too much. We tried suffocation with a pillow, but I couldn't hold the pillow down."

"So we also practiced for her death with sleep. She would keep her eyes closed and change her breathing and push that hard last breath of air out of her lungs and her nose and her mouth."

"We both took sleeping pills so that we both could sleep. We were doing everything together that we could then."

"I swallowed mine so that I could sleep that sleep with her and not wake up either. We both held onto each other and looked at each other before we closed our eyes and let go of her."

When she dies

"But she was gone too and I hadn't taken enough of her sleeping pills with me or I wasn't close enought to dying to go with her yet."

"The rest of her body heat seemed to be leaving her body too, but I tried to keep her warm. I covered her back up with the blankets and I wrapped myself around her on the couch and held onto her too. She seemed to feel a little warmer again, but that was probably just the body heat from me warming her skin back up. But then she started to feel colder again and heavy in my arms and it made me feel cold too."

How his wife lay in the casket

"We had practiced for all of this in those last days too. We had used the couch for how she wante do be laid out inside her casket... She picked out that red dress that she wanted to wear and I thought of the sweater that she had always liked to wear at home and that she could wear over the dress and that might help to keep her warm."

"They asked me if there were anything that I wanted to put inside the casket with her, but I couldn't think of anything that I wantedher to take with her but me... and the casket wasn't big enough for both of us inside it."

"I laid down in the cemetry grass next to my wife's grave and thought of us lying next to each other in our bed again. I rolled over onto my side and laid my arms out over the dirt and tried to hold onto my wife again."

"I folded her clothes up to my face and smelled them and that made me afraid to wash the smell of her off of them. I folded her clothes up and stacked them up into a pile. I got a plastic bag out and set that little pile of her clothes down inside it. I tied the ties up on the plastic bag tight. I wanted to keep as much of the smell of my wife on those clothes and with me for as long as I could."




Dying is scary... to be old, ill and helpless is scary...

to love someone and lived with someone for so many years and have them die on you first is scary... I try to put myself in the shoes of such a person and it makes me shudder. I think I would want to just lie down and die with my loved one as well...

and I don't think I can overcome a major illness because i lack the tenacity to fight for my life. As it is, I'm only 26 but have begun to find life tiring.

Life seems to be a constant struggle to live up to the expectations of others. Worse if these expectations are work-related. That's why I try so hard to not let work affect me in anyway.

Most people never pause to consider that they have only a finite amount of time to live. They think it frivolous to fritter away economic value producing time mulling over death, dying and the like but to me, turning a blind eye to the fact that each passing second brings us closer to death seems almost naive.

Yay, boyfriend is finally a productive member of society.

Starting his new job at a bank.

Goodbye daggy t-shirts, jeans and sweater. Hello smart business attire.

Phew! I won't have to look inconspicuous when we meet for lunch anymore.

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Another yay!

Mark is going away on holiday for a month and I'll have the whole apartment to myself.

I can't wait.

P-A-R-T-Y

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It was Mart's good friend's (Bayliss) b'day last night. His girlfriend Amy planned a surprise for him and arranged for friends to wait out at the Clock pub (somewhere in Surry Hills) whilst Ian and this other guy, dressed up in clown suits and scary masks, went to Bayliss' (who by the way has a phobia of clowns, as do I) house, kidnap him with black sack over the head, taped up wrists all and then bringing him to the pub.

Ian looked like he had the most fun. And he gets to keep the clown costumes for a week. It would have been much better if Bayliss had a fear of men in uniform. I can think of more ways to have fun with say an army officer's uniform. *wink*

Anyway, over drinks last night, I had a chat with Jo.

Jo = girlfriend of Matt --> Mart's friend.

We got to talking about how dreams and aspirations. And even if that isn't the most interesting topic, it is really much more preferred to "oooh yes I am an accountant and I deal with the financial statements of banks, insurance companies, and fund managers. Blah blah blah"

So there I was telling Jo how it'd be great to some day be able to open my own cafe et al, when suddenly, i had this moment of ephiphany and realised that talking about my dreams (Or perhaps bullshit because i couldn't be further from realising any of them) wasn't something I could do with Marty.

I've spent many a night, bullshitting in this a way with dear friends. Ideas that were thrown about were for example, an online funeral planner business (gene's idea), dressing up in secondary school uniforms and crashing JC 1st 3 months economics lectures, being really rowdy and defiant but able to answer all the economics questions with ease (the lecturers will have a fit), renting an apartment with cool friends, travelling overseas in the hazy future etc etc etc.

Maybe because he's too pragmatic.

But a mere mention of anything slightly whimsical usually garners no response whatsoever. And after a couple of slaps on the wrists, I've stopped. Which I feel, really stems my creativity and daydream starved.

Half seriously, I lament how Marty's boring and it's hard for me to BS about my "dreams" with him and when Jo agrees with me quickly, I'm mildly concerned and I wonder if it is the general consensus that Marty is boring.

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Today's mother's day. Mart invited me to his Aunt's place for lunch. Third time meeting the extended family.

Dom and Lisa brought Pontoof, their whippet. A really endearing dog with fur as soft as a possum's.

Whippets look a lot like greyhounds. With long bambi like legs, they are built for speed and were used in hunting and considered as the poor man's greyhound.

Pontoof was sooo cute. Even with his long spindly legs, he curled up on my lap and went to sleep by tucking his head in the crook between my folded arm and my body. awww.... Now i wan't a dog too...

Am trying to persuade Marty.

heh heh....

anyway, lunch was great and i feel less uncomfortable around his relatives although i do think it's still gonna be a while before I feel totally at ease

Finally managed to tear myself away from the boyfriend after 2 weeks of seeing him close to 24/7 and had dinner with beat at Cya, a decent korean restaurant in a small alley way in the heart of the city.

As we were paying for our dinner, we spot Marissa and Kel near the entrance of the restaurant waiting to be seated. Beat wonders whether we can make our getaway without them noticing. Now, Cya is a tiny restaurant of less than 20 tables and only one entrance so there was absolutely no chance of getting out without walking past them. We are momentarily delighted when Kel walks into the gents and decide to say a quick hi to Marissa and then disappear before kel reappears.

Unforunately, our quick hi just wasn't quick enough and kel came out of the loo before we made our escape. Brief pleasantries were exchanged and Kel asked after my health which was a tad unsettling perhaps because of my own guilt. To avoid the awkward silence that eventually decends on unwilling conversational parties, i remind beatrice that she has to rush home for her movie. I sensed the relief in kel, beat and myself. heh

The crisp cold air greets us as we spill out onto the busy street giggling. Beat remarks that kel should consider himself a lucky man, to be caught in such a situation. Caught in an awkward situation with 3 gorgeous girl he's gone to bed with. That tickles me and I laugh heartily in agreement.

We wonder if Kel has ever thought the same and that thought tickles us more and we continue laughing as we hurry along the streets on our way home.

I realise it's been a long time since I've had a good laugh with a friend. Which is kinda sad. These days, perhaps it's the lack of like-minded individuals, perhaps i'm just getting withdrawn. Who knows? Laughing just isn't as fulfilling as before. Usually it's more of a "that's amusing" sorta smile. Ah... i know... it's the lack of evil laughter. The kind of evil laughter you get from bitch fests.

Shucks. Not much I can do about that I guess.

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Finally finished American Gods - Neil Gaiman. The unabridged version.

It was disappointing. I've always thought NG to be a really good storyteller. Captivating in a dark and sometimes satirical way and American Gods was intruiging at first. However, half way through the book, perhaps because I lost the reading momentum and was picking it up and putting it down sporadically, but I think mostly because he tried to do too much in this one story, the book just got too confusing.

There were so many new characters being thrown in constantly and so many subplots (some of which were insignificant to the main story) that I couldn't help but tire of trying to dig into my memory of who said what and who was called what. Bear in mind, this book was more than 600 pages so trying to recall the what(s) the who(s) said in the beginning of the book is no mean feat.

And what's up with the missing children and hinzeleman anyway.

Now I know why the version that won all the awards (abridged) was much shorter.

anyway, it's friday night and Mart is now getting inebriated at the Monkey bar with his mates, No doubt talking about the latest innovations (hydrogen powered cars?), politics, and other "did you knows".

I could have gone but the idea of drinking lemon lime bitters or diet coke whilst being a "trophy" girlfriend was less attractive than being snug in the comfort of home with a book, some milo and chips.

After I'd finished American Gods, the only other easy read on hand was "confessions of a shopaholic", which might I add, Mart enjoyed reading out loud to me in the car whilst i drove around today. He claims that it's only enjoyable because he's reading it out loud to me and he wouldn't enjoy it otherwise but then again, the unwritten rules of masculinity forbids him from admitting the latter so I have my doubts. I mean, I ask the guy to read out a paragraph or two just for kicks and he proceeds to read out at least 3-4 pages.

So.

Anyway, afraid that this chic fic would annoy me so much I would be near bald from tearing my hair out at its bimboticism, I head off to the library and arm myself with:-

1. Tom Holt - Snow white and the seven samurai. (i reckoned that I miss reading him)
2. Neil Gaiman - Anansi boys (What the heck, figured I'd give him a second chance)
3. Walter Moers - Rumo and his miraculous adventures (this book has illustrations of animals. I've decided to live dangerously)
4. And one more sappy book about love. and no, not a romance novel per se. I don't do danielle steele thank you very much. Some story about a man's love for his dying wife blah blah blah...

So it's gonna be a night of reading for me.

I guess Mart's right afterall. I think I am a geek.

It's interesting to realise the quirky things about people that make you like them.

I walked into his room. well sort of. it was his sister's room before but she got married and moved out a while back. there was a huge king bed and on the bed was a black hard back novel by james patterson. Not exactly the kind of book I'd read. His glasses were wedged between the pages, marking up where he left off. they were intellectual and serious looking rectangular thin black metal frames. I think he looked better in them. I've always preferred bespectacled men.
The memory of the novel and glasses on the bed brings back warm fuzziness.

To list down other quirky things that I remember fondly, I'd say, the clean yet musky smell of the bed and pillows. The way the room had a warm yellowish hue when the sun streamed in. How there was always a lingering smell of cologne.

And as an after thought, although it used to be one of the main reasons why I like him, how I always felt taken care of. Looked after. Safe.

In the end, I never really knew him and he never really knew me. We are as good as strangers and yet we were close friends.

I indulge myself and wonder about "what ifs"... but only sometimes.

It's 5am in the morning and I'm wide awake in the kitchen, sitting with my legs curled up sideways with a tea by my side, the heater switched on and my laptop on my lap, trying to take stock of my life. Or in other words, nitpick.

I woke up in the middle of the night, more than an hour ago and lay tossing and turning in bed. I've hardly ever done this for a while. This waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep.

I realise I haven't been writing much of late and it bothers me because I loved writing but of late, there just hasn't been any drive, or maybe just that my life has gotten a little dull and uninteresting.

Someone once said to me a relationship kills individuality. I think it applies to myself because of who I am but I do not think it applies to everyone. Marty for one, still retains heaps of his own individuality. He is absolutely undaunting in his warcrafting and reading habits.

He can be such a book slut. He carries around a little black satchel which I call his library. More often than not, there happens to be at least one IT magazine, 2 novels, his psp and an assortment of games.

I on the other hand am unable to stomach any book which doesn't tickle my fancy and a quarterly essay on the similarities of the English and Australians is definitely one of those types.

I digress.

Anyway, Marty is his own individual. I think. He's been a geek his whole life and never aspired to be anything else. If 20 odd years of peer pressure couldn't change him, how could a 3 month~ish relationship? Not that I want to change him. I love his geekishness most of the time. Although it will get quite disturbing when he starts to want to spend more time on warcrafting and reading than with me. Anyway, I'm just pointing out how he's not the sort that would lose his individuality just because of a relationship.

Back to myself.

A relationship cramps my style I think. Simply because my style is supported by a single's lifestyle. Before M came along, I decided that this year was going to be a swinging single's year for me. Where I would busy myself setting my life in order and dating several people. How happy and full of life I was then.

I'm quite a passionate person but in order to have passion in my life, I need the recklessness that comes along with passion. The free rein to live life teetering on the edge. Not cautiously creeping along, putting someone else's feelings over and above my own. It's natural for me to consider the feelings of my other half but doing the "right" thing is perhaps not second nature for myself.

I want to acheive some sort of balance. Having a relationship but being my own individual. For now, the relationship seems to have won. Who I am, what I want has become a blur. I feel restless and confused. In a state of disequilibrium. A recipe for disaster I think. Afterall objects can't be in a state of disequilibrium indefinitely.